Being An Ally For BLM Will Wear On You. That’s The Point.
A good friend had complimented me on a selfie I posted on Facebook yesterday. She said I look amazing. I thanked her, but…real talk? When I look.. I just see TIRED, lol. So… tired.
I have become torn between taking a break from being involved with these George Floyd protests supporting #blacklivesmatter every day to heal…knowing that is white privilege right there — and I am half Filipino. Those who are Black cannot take a break. Ever. They cannot leave their skin, they cannot hide, or cover up who they are. They have been fighting, surviving, and struggling since day one from the womb. Right now, it feels like those of us who can stay in the fight until the end…should. I do take breaks, but they are small ones compared to the pain and sadness that I take on, and as an empath I have to remind myself constantly to shield up, so as not to take every emotion and feeling on full force.
There are instances that remind me that I need to take a moment to step back and just BREATHE from all of this — a post I saw on Instagram today triggered me; and not from any personal experience, but in feeling empathy for those that may have been triggered from what I saw. It was an ad. I will describe to you what I saw, before I reveal what it actually was…
A photo of a huge tree standing at least 60 + feet, with long, rope-like vines hanging down to the ground. I look at the status which read, “nature’s neck ties!” And for just a second, I envisioned in my mind the lynching and hanging of black men, women, and children in the South. It was so instant, and so sudden that I caught my breath. But, I knew that wasn’t the company’s intention at all. Not at all. It was a photo of a beautiful Banyan tree in Hawaii. The company sells neck ties. I had to take a few minutes to shake that vision out of my head and realize that wasn’t their intention.
And yet, regardless whether it was…images accompanied by phrases like that could trigger someone. So, I elected to stop following the page. Because even though they did nothing intentionally negative, I couldn’t unsee that image so I took myself away from the source. This is where I am right now, in this space. Like I said… SO tired.
Coupled with the fact that my daughter is really, really going through it and I am here for her every day. She has lost her appetite and has been sick off and on from stress…stress of the Shelter In Place, to this revolution the world is going through. We hear gunshots in our neighborhood every other day now. This is something that did not occur until the protests. It was such a good idea that I moved back in with her. We are each other’s comfort right now.
And…almost every day I find myself just getting up from the computer if I am working, or being on my phone and just collapsing onto my bed, punching my pillow with my face…at any given time of the day. Some days I am just crying. And when I can muster up the motivation, I go for a walk, a run…work out in my living room, engage in yoga and fitness on the Wii, and stretch. But, it isn’t as often as I used to do it.
There are good things happening in my life — it isn’t all this hard! I am still working towards the changes I had mentioned last week. It is just taking me longer than I anticipated due to my sheer lack of extra energy I always have. And, I will continue to show up for our Black community here in Sacramento, California. The feeling of solidarity, support, and love I have experienced in the last 13 days have been nothing like I have ever felt in the entire twenty-one years I have lived here. We are all doing a good thing here! It makes the tired worth every ounce.
What I wouldn’t give to be at the ocean…right now….❤
(below are images taken by the exemplary Jason Pierce of the Sacramento Bee. He captured many moments from each day we have been protesting for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Stephon Clark, Zoe Spears, Sandra Bland, Monika Diamond, Nina Pop, Tamir Rice, Atatiana Jefferson, Iyanna Dior, and so, so many names who have lost their lives to police brutality.)
